“Will you pass me the…the…” I can’t remember what it’s
called. I’m looking right at it. I’ve known its name since I was 3 or 4. I know
what it is, I know what it tastes like, smells like, looks like, and I can
think of all the words describing these things except its name. The family
member sitting across from me is waiting expectantly for what I want but I’m
drawing a blank. I can only point and describe it, so I do, “…the red stuff you
squirt out of a bottle?” I finally finish.
“The ketchup?”
“Yes! Ketchup.”
This was the first time I can remember forgetting the name
of something I shouldn’t forget the name of. I don’t remember how long ago this
particular incident occurred, maybe 5 years ago. It was confusing to me and a
really weird sensation. It’s not like you can’t remember where you put
something, or the name of a person you once met and you’re trying to remember
something you’ve only encountered once or twice. It’s having a normal
conversation and then stopping midsentence because your brain goes blank and
there is no word supplied to you for an everyday object that you should have no
problem identifying. Things become “white fat in a can” (Crisco/shortening) or
“things you unlock doors with” (keys). I’m really good at the game catch
phrase. Since the ketchup it happens occasionally, and I had accepted it as
something that my brain just does sometimes and I don’t even waste time trying
to think of the word for whatever object I can’t remember at the moment anymore.
I just go right into descriptions until I remember what it is called (usually
by the time I’m done describing it the word comes back to me), or the other
person figures out what I’m talking about. I usually attribute my poor word
recall to being tired.
Tired. I’m tired an awful lot. I usually try not to complain
about how tired I am because I figure I’ve always been tired, even when I have
no reason to be, so this must be how most people feel (except the super lucky
chipper ones who seem to have caffeine naturally running through their veins)
and I’m being a wimp about it so there’s no reason not to do things I should
(like go for a run, go grocery shopping, wake up). In high school I attributed
my chronic tiredness to early morning seminary. In college, shoot, I was a
nursing student. Of course I was tired. But even on summer vacation or a non
stressful week with plenty of sleep I still find it hard to feel energetic. At
best I’m not sleepy. Given a choice my body would always choose resting on the
couch even though I love to move. It’s hard to find the motivation to do it,
but my brain usually wins and yells at my body until I comply...but sometimes
my body wins, and I stay on the couch. And I’m still tired. My fatigue is not
debilitating, I did train for and complete a marathon last month, but it was
really hard to make myself run most days. Once I started a run it wasn’t so
bad, the hardest part was getting my shoes on and out the door and making
myself do it. So many days I just wanted to take a nap instead.
Starting in highschool I developed “crunchy” knees. When I
walk down stairs I sound like rice crispies. The grating, or “crunchiness” is
palpable if you place your hand on either of my knees and I bend my leg in and
out. Along the same lines my joints ache. Hips and knees. Not all the time, but
especially after long periods of standing, stressful days, or sometimes for no
reason at all. In high school it started with my elbows, but my elbows don’t
bother me anymore.
Ever since elementary school I’ve had digestive issues. I
remember car rides where I wanted to die because there wasn’t a bathroom
available in the next 20 seconds…let alone 20 minutes. I used to get diarrhea
frequently so painful I’d nearly cry and I’d have to bury my face in a towel as
I sat on the pot. There was never an identifiable food pattern relating to my
digestive woes. The pain has eased over the years, the diarrhea is not nearly
as debilitating as it once was as a pre teen and teen. I’ve adapted to having
certain issues as well as “singing” intestines. After nearly every meal, no
matter what I seemed to eat I would get gas that would make my intestines sing-sometimes
it sounds similar to a stomach growling. I’ve had people comment on my being
hungry, when really it was just gas pushing against and travelling along my
insides. It’s embarrassing. If I was going somewhere that was going to be quiet
(like church or a class) I had two options: stomach growl because I’m hungry,
or intestines singing because I’m not. Peptobismol tablets and simethicone are
staples in my medicine cupboard. Sometimes I would take pepto before a car ride
or a shift at work if I felt any inkling of discomfort or even if I didn’t, “just
in case” because I never knew when I’d be hit with something. My biggest fear
training for my marathon was urgently needing a bathroom. Have you seen those
pictures of marathon runners in dinky shorts with code brown running down their
legs? Oh man. I was so afraid that was going to be me…don’t worry. It wasn’t.
My pre run meals I found I did best with turned out to be gluten and lactose
free: chex, bananas and almond milk.
About seven years ago my family and I were at Disneyland. I
put SPF 50 sunblock on my face. That night when I got home I noticed a light
red rash on both cheeks. I thought it was because I had sensitive skin and the
lotion irritated it along with being in the sun. I still have the same rash
today. I avoided facial lotions with SPF in them, and only used sunblock when I
absolutely knew I’d get burned otherwise. Sometimes the rash fades a bit and
other times it flares, but it has never gone away 100%. Pretty sure now it
wasn’t the lotion.
Starting about 10 years ago I’ve had several cavities (like
almost every single tooth that could possibly have a filling does) despite good
dental hygiene.
I am sensitive to lactose, but even when I completely
eliminate it from my diet (like I did when I was training for my marathon for 5
months) I still had all of the above symptoms.
A week or so ago I saw a friend post something about going
gluten free to see if it would help his eczema. My knowledge of gluten
sensitivity and celiacs is/was limited, and never something I even thought
would apply to me. I always felt so sad for people who couldn’t eat wheat. I
did some research (since I also have a rash that just won’t go away-luckily it
doesn’t itch and isn’t too noticeable with some make up- I can’t see it in
photos) and wouldn’t you know all of the symptoms that I experience that I have
just learned to accept as my normal may be attributed to my body hating gluten.
I gave myself a half a week to mentally prepare myself for a drastic diet
change and get my final gluten fixes (I eat a lot of whole wheat foods and
foods containing gluten) and every time I ate something with gluten in it once
I came to my hypothesis I felt like I was knowingly hurting myself. It was a
weird feeling and I was kind of glad when Monday came. I’m trying not to feel
sorry for myself or sad about it (I probably place too much joy in food- and a
lot of my favorites are full of gluten) because if it is gluten sensitivity
causing my abnormal norms it’s going to have to be a lifetime change. There are
still many options and things that I can still eat. And if it really is a
gluten sensitivity, I should be feeling better without it and perhaps I will
learn to not want it if I know it makes me sick and tired.
Since Monday I started a 2-3 week gluten free trial and have
nixed wheat, barley and rye from my diet. I’ve never read so many food labels
in my life. In my online reading the recommendation is to consult your doctor
before going gluten free and if you have enough symptoms being tested for
celiacs since blood tests are less accurate if you don’t have as much gluten in
your system, but I’m not consulting a doctor. I probably should, but I’m not.
If my symptoms improve after 2-3 weeks this will be a change I’ll have to learn
to love and I don’t need a doctor to tell me how I feel. If I don’t see any
significant changes I’ll add gluten back and see what happens. So far the
biggest change I’ve seen right away is no more singing intestines. It’s been a
trip eating dinner and expecting the opera to start and feel no pressure or
hear any horrifying whale sounds coming from deep inside. I definitely
appreciate that change. I’ve learned MY normal is NOT normal, and maybe there’s
a reason for it other than “that’s just the way I’ve always been”. I’m hoping
gluten free can bring me there and that the rest of my symptoms also improve.
If anybody has any favorite gluten free recipes, you’re welcome to send them to
me, or leave them in a comment.
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