Conversations with my body in the first trimester of pregnancy

1. Body/morning sickness: Hey.

Katie: Oh, no.

B: HEY! Heeeyyyy, are we at Stake Conference? (a church meeting- this was at a Saturday evening session)

K: Yes, behave yourself.

B: That’s not what I do.

K: You’re not even supposed to show up for another week or two.

B: Lucky you! I just wanted to thank you for that yummy dinner you gave me before we came, but I’m not digging it so much now. I’m afraid I have to give it back.

K: No! Don’t do that. Here, have a peppermint. Let’s see if we can at least make it to the end of this speaker so we’re not running out in the middle of their talk.

B: This peppermint is gross. I really don’t want dinner in me anymore. You’d better crawl over all the people we’re sitting between and run out before I make you spew all over the pew.

K: Ok. We’re in the lobby now. Corey went to get us a barf bag. Do we need to run to the bathroom?

B: Nah, I guess I want to keep dinner after all, but I’m going to keep threatening you with losing it and keep you feeling generally icky for the rest of the night. So you might as well go home.

 

2. Body: Good morning! I’m hungry. Very hungry.

Katie: I’ll get some oatmeal cooking.

B: No! Not oatmeal. I’m too hungry for oatmeal. Do you have any steak?

K: No, but that does sound really good.

B: I want protein.

K: Eggs?

B: Nah.

K: We have chicken tamales in the freezer.

B: That might work, thanks.

Next morning…

B: Hungry!

K: Chicken tamale?

B: Yes please. Yum!

Next morning…

B: Feed me!

K: Tamale?

B: You know the drill.

Next morning…

B: Tamale!

K: We have a lot if you want two.

B: One is enough.

Next morning…

B: HUNGRY! RAHR!

K: Ok! Hold on, I’ll get the tamale…

B: Are you nuts? Oh, gross, a starving dog wouldn’t eat those things. Oh, gag, shut the freezer, I can’t even stand to see them!!

K: Well, what do you want?

B: Anything but those vile pellets of putridness!

K: Ok, I’ll get some oatmeal.

B: NO! Not oatmeal!

K: But you said anything but the chicken tam…

B: DON’T even say their name! Oh, gag!

K: Ok, ok. Settle down, I’ll just scramble a couple of eggs.

B: … and hash browns.

K: No, hash browns are too much effort.

B: I’m not eating the eggs without hash browns, and if you don’t feed me soon I will punish you.

K: Fine! Hash browns, if you promise to ease up on the nausea.

B: I make no promises.

3. Katie: I feel like having to urinate every hour is excessive, even in pregnancy.

Body: I don’t make the rules, I just follow them.

K: There can’t possibly be enough pee to make me need to go again so soon. I’m going to hold it.

B: Good luck with that. … Aren’t you uncomfortable?

K: Yes. Ugh. I guess I’ll go…again. … Really? That’s all there was? What gives, body?

B: I just like telling you what to do.

K: I thought you said you didn’t make the rules?

B: I can’t have you hating me completely before you even go into labor…

4. Katie: Exercise is important. I’m going to go for a walk every day!

Body: Hahahahahahaha!!! Oh..you were serious…aww. Ok, well how about this: I’ll give you enough energy a day to get to the bathroom to pee and hit the enter button on the remote when Netflix asks if you’re still watching “Gilmore Girls”. Walking to the bathroom is exercise, right?

K: But what about laundry, chores, shopping, and everything else?

B: Netflix…and… peeing. Push these limits and I will punish you.

5. Body: RAHR! FEED ME! FEED ME NOW! FEED ME NOW! Before I barf!

Katie: What do you want to eat?

B: I don’t know…

K: Cereal?

B: Gross.

K: Leftovers?

B: Gag.

K: Soup?

B: Puke!

K: Eggs?

B: Uggghhhhh.

K: Tam…

B: NO!!!!!

K: applesauce?

B: Eh.

K: Eh?

B: It doesn’t sound good, but I think I could swallow some.

K: Applesauce it is.

6. B: Are you done grocery shopping yet? I’m getting hungry!

K: Pipe down. You’re always hungry and I’m here for YOU!

B: But I’m HUNGRY!

K: I just gave you a snack before we left. Nothing at home sounds good, so if you want something new to eat, now is the time to let me know.

B: I don’t know.

K: What about cereal?

B: That sounds good, but not the kind that we have at home.

K: Good, let’s go pick one out then. Do any of these look good to you?

B: That one! That one! That one!!!!

K: Done. Thank you for making this an easy decision, that rarely happens!

B: My pleasure. Can I eat it now?

K: No, we have to buy our groceries and drive home first.

B: But I’m hungry nooooowwwwwww!!!

K: Hold on! We’re going.

B: Ok, but I’m eating them in the car.

K: Don’t be ridiculous. We’ll wait til we get home where we can enjoy it properly in a bowl with cold milk.

B: You’re the worst! Fine, but don’t bother putting the groceries away before you feed me or else I’ll hate you forever.

K: What about the ice cream?

B: … (considering)… you can put the ice cream away first. But only the ice cream.  And then after our cereal I’d like a scoop please.

7. Body: Ginger ale? Awww, that’s cute.

Katie: Jerk.

8. Katie: We did it! Thank goodness for unisom and B6! We survived 3 hours total of church and 2 of those hours wrangling sunbeams (3 year olds)!

Body: What just happened?! I think I’m dying! Where’s my food? I’m hungry! My bladder is full! How come you haven’t emptied it yet?!

K: But I wasn’t nauseated!

B: Are these STAIRS???

K: Yes. You know this. We have to go up them to get to our regular spot on the couch.

B: I…can’t…do…it.

K: You have to!

B: No! Stop, stop, stop! I need a break!

K: But we’re only half way up!

B: Just let me catch my breath…uh oh. Leg fail. If you want to finish climbing these stairs to get to the bathroom, you’re going got have to use your arms to help your failing legs out and crawl to get there.

K: You’ve got to be kidding. I really do have to pee. I guess I’m crawling then.

B: This is what happens when you use up your weekly energy allowance within 2 hours.

K: You’d better be able to get back up when we’re done on the toilet. I’ve got Corey on standby just in case.

B: I’m dying. I’m dying. There is no strength left anywhere.

K: Don’t be a drama queen. Let’s go get some taco soup and a chocolate truffle.

B: This is not dramatics. I guess I can make it back to the couch, but getting food is too hard. I’ll just have to pass out and die on the couch.

K: Look, Corey loves us. He brought us some food!

B: Good thing. I was about to die!

9. Body: Bedtime!

Katie: I haven’t even had third dinner yet. It’s only 6:30.

B: Bedtime!

K: Not yet.

B: Now look what you did. You waited another half hour and now I can’t move. Looks like we’re spending the night here on the couch.

K: No! I still have to brush my teeth! And pee! And have another snack and brush my teeth and pee again!

B: Well, it’s lucky you have Corey to lift you up and walk you to the bathroom then, because you’re NOT getting any help from me!

10. Body: Wake up!! Wake up!! Wake up!!

Katie: Why? Oohhhh, I don’t feel good. Couldn’t you let me sleep?

B: No! It stinks in here! Why didn’t you wash the hamburger pan before you went to sleep?

K: Because you crashed on me.

B: Ewwwww, hamburger grease, the smell is permeating everywhere!

K: Maybe if I cover our nose with the sheet…

B: I can’t breathe! Take the sheet off!

K: Ok.

B: Ewwww, but the smell! Better sit up, I’m about to make you puke.

K: Gross, gross, gross. We’ll wash the pan now.

B: It didn’t help. The smell is stuck in the walls!

K: Let’s try to go back to sleep.

B: I think I’m hungry.

K: No way. I feel too gross to eat. Let’s try to sleep.

B: I’m going to keep bugging you until I get what I want.

K: Please sleep.

B: Wake up! Wake up! Get to the bathroom now!!!

K: How many times are you going to make me dry heave over the toilet? There’s nothing in there!

B: Tell me about it. I told you I was hungry, but did you listen? Nooooooo. We’ll continue until you learn your lesson.

K: Ok, I’m sorry!

B: Good. Now get me a sammich.

11. Body: Hey! Hey! Wake up! I can’t believe we slept over 7 hours without you getting up twice to feed and pee me. What were you thinking?

Katie: What?

B: FEED ME! Feed me now!

K: Here’s our PB&J Corey made for us and put on our night stand last night. Enjoy.

B: A PB&J? You think that’s what we wanted? … Well, it was, but I’m still going to punish you.

K: Will you please let me vomit and be done with it already?

B: Too easy. Besides, the bathroom floor told me it missed you. We’ll just let the nausea linger. We’ll see how you like sleeping through the night now!

12. Katie: Almost done with the first trimester! I miss the sun and outside. Let’s go for a walk.

Body: If you insist.

K: I do. Let’s go! Isn’t this nice?

B: I’m tired.

K: The sky is so blue today.

B: Look. A bench. Can we sit? Please?

K: It couldn’t hurt for a minute…or 5.

B: I think I have to pee.

K: We just went before we left! Can you hold it?

B: Definitely, but you’re not going to enjoy your walk as much.

K: Let’s go then, so we can get home.

B: And umm…. I have something else for you…

K: What’s that? Oh, dang it, not that! You’re so rude! Maybe it will ease up and go away.

B: I couldn’t help it, there were some funny smells back there from those little purple flowers. They look cute, but they do not smell pretty.

K: It’s not getting better. I really hope I don’t decorate the side walk or someone’s poor lawn or tree. Oh gross. I have to stop thinking about vomit splattered on sidewalk. Not helping.

B: You know what else doesn’t help? These pants are a bit tight. Here’s another increase of nausea for you.

K: Please just keep it down. Look! A doggy poo station with clean plastic bags. I’ll take one so I won’t have to barf in the gutter.

B: You do that.

K: You’re the worst.

B: Yeah, but look, we made it home and your doggy poo bag is still unused and you didn’t spill your guts on anyone’s front lawn, so am I really?

13. Body: Broccoli salad sounds good.

Katie: Yeah, it does. I’ll make you one.

B: Is it done yet?

K: No. I just started cutting the broccoli.

B: Is it done now?

K: Yes, but it will taste better after it has chilled.

B: *whines*

Less than an hour later…

Is it chilled?

K: Good enough.

B: Yum! Another bowl please!

Next day…

B: I need food.

K: What do you want?

B: Everything is gross.

K: How about the broccoli salad?

B: No thanks.

K: But you made me make it yesterday and we still have a whole bowlful left!

B: Who’s fault is that?

Later…

B: Thanks for feeding me earlier, but since I couldn’t eat all of it before I felt too sick, I’m hungry again already, but whatever you do, DO NOT feed me the rest of what you couldn’t finish earlier.

K: Ok, what do you want?

B: Everything is gross.

K: Broccoli salad?

B: No thanks.

K: Chicken tama…

B: NO NO GAG!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

K: Here’s a bowl of broccoli salad. You will eat it. And you’ll like it!

B: Fine, I guess. Thanks. Hey this is pretty good! If you know what’s best for you, you’ll make me a hamburger and tater tots before this broccoli wears off and the yucky hunger comes back.

K: You couldn’t tell me you wanted a burger and tots earlier?

B: No. Everything was gross!