Thoughts on snickerdoodles, dreams and NCMO

I’m trying to get rid of the excess parts of me. I have been keeping the things in my grocery cart healthy and go jogging/walking every morning and sometimes go for an additional walk in the evening. Then like an idiot on Monday I really wanted to bake something and made snicker doodles. I don’t know what I was thinking. Obviously I wasn’t because I added twice as much butter as I should have and when I mixed it all together and saw the greasy consistency I realized what I had done and had to double the recipe. Holy cow, I have way more snicker doodles than I was anticipating. I filled my cookie jar, filled a bag and froze it and had another smaller bag I left out. The smaller bag is gone and now I’m working on the jar. Somebody come save me because I am not strong enough to save myself.

My milk’s expiration date is today. Only once in the last 9-10 months of living by myself have I ever drank or used all of my milk before it turned bad- and I buy the smaller ½ gallon container. I like having it for when I want it, but I don’t want it that often. I just drank about 16 oz in order to prevent wasting it…and of course I had to have 2 snicker doodles to go with it!

It seems I’m not remembering my dreams as much as I used to, which is kind of sad. I have had some really interesting dreams, but the one’s I am able to remember lately are not nice. Last night I dreamt I was holding a little baby. Out of nowhere I’m suddenly in water about chest deep and I look at the baby and the level of the water was covering the baby’s mouth and nose. I immediately lifted it above the water and it was all blue. I did baby CPR and saved the baby but it scared the crap out of me and felt like it was my fault for not realizing I was holding the baby under water. It was horrible. It reminded me of another crappy dream I had in high school. I was hiding behind some bushes and watched a mother put her two kids in a big pit, gave them their favorite toys and then proceeded to bury them alive. The creepy feeling after I woke up from that one was so strong, I remember being afraid to drive myself in the dark to seminary that morning. Hopefully I’ll have happier dreams tonight.

In discussing NCMO with a friend, I have decided that everything about it makes me angry. It’s all bad. It doesn’t surprise me, but it really bothers me how common it is, even in LDS circles where standards are supposed to be high. I wish people would realize the world does not revolve around them and it is rude to risk someone else’s emotions for their own pleasure. Even if both parties are agreed that “it is what it is and nothing more,” is that the kind of person we want to be viewed as? A person with no self-control, who holds no meaning in meaningful things, and a liar? When it comes right down to it, people who participate in NCMO have no respect for themselves, or for their partners. I worry about NCMO participant’s future married relationships. What else is ok because it’s just fun? What else would the aim of their pleasure sacrifice? Would someone so apparently self-centered be able to easily consider the needs of their spouse above their own? I would never participate in an activity that would lead somebody that I am not interested in a potential or continuing relationship with to believe I was. It’s lying through action and not a kind thing for the other person to experience. I don’t know how people can be so unaware of other people, and how they must feel. Kisses are supposed to be special. How special are they if they are wasted on who ever just because one hasn’t kissed someone in a few months and they have a willing partner? They’re meaningless kisses. It’s not fair that a girl has to wonder whenever she’s kissed if the guy holds the same meaning in it she does since today kisses seem to mean nothing. I’m not saying a kiss has to mean everything, but it should at least mean I like you and want to continue pursuing a relationship. I seriously hope I am not alone in reserving my kisses for the times when they mean something.